KC · Katie · rocks!

short and sweet and playing for keeps
i'd almost forgotten what it was like
all of the sighs and smiles
during lingering goodbyes
and the hope that moments like these
will somehow last forever
i knew there had to be a reason
that i stayed a hopeless romantic for so long

high on the life you never knew you had
beauty lies in time well spent
with friends drinking out of gin filled buckets
laughing so much that our sides hurt
and the room starts to spin even more
we glow under black lights
and our faces shine with alcohol kissed smiles
while we stumble over the right words and our own two feet
at least we do it with style
happiness is found in bits of sleep
found on other people's sofas more than our own beds
a good night's rest is a thing of the past
but time bends somehow
and tonight is like the one i spent last
i don't know that i can sleep now if i tried
these are the times we live for
always going to and fro
and i'd do just about anything
to not have to let this feeling go
of feeling as free as a bird
when worries melt away
as soon as i see familiar faces
minutes away from the real world
but galaxies away from the traces
of responsibility in this life where i'm a grown up
but still don't feel that way at all
i need to get a watch but put it off
for fear of time swallowing me whole
as if that would somehow put a damper on
these secret moments that i stole
out of a story set in someone else's life
fasten your seatbelt
ignore the blinking lights
and signals flashing yellow and red
life happens when you stop trying to find your place
inside of someone else's head
let's face it
you never wanted to end up there anyways

(cross posted to myspace)

i heard "never there" by cake on the radio while driving home from work. and it made me laugh. and i felt like a bitch for a minute until i remembered that:

you can be haunted by memories but ghosts cannot be friends
so who's going to be left
when the sky opens up above your head
and all the let downs still won't let go
even when you're still being swept under the bridge
with all the past mistakes
and disappointments in your life
effort counts for nothing
when you only say you want to make things right
if i come off as apathetic
you know it's only in self defense
i've given up on our fair weather friendship
because things are never going to be any different
people only change
when left with no other choice
and so much for all the others left behind
wondering why they aren't hearing from that certain voice
but it is to be expected by now
and i take full responsibility
for the smile i wear made up of stitches
that you never stick around to see
and i'm sorry to hear what you're going through
but it only proves my worn out point in the end
life is not worth wasting
on those that are really not your friends
goodbye to second chances
that always proved me right
so long to being so idealistic
that i can't even take my own advice
farewell to (broken) promises
and the days they might actually begin
there is no starting over
when there was never really an end
it would kinda be a waste
to once more wish you adieu
because what's the point in expecting goodbyes
when i barely had hello from you

reverberate
i've given up on being famous
but somehow have gotten well known anyways
everywhere i seem to turn another
vaguely familiar face seems to knows my name
i always feel a tinge of guilt
when i can't remember them
but they obviously remember me
and yet
i always find myself wondering
if it's really me they see
or if i'm really just a rumor
brought to life from another fantasy
and i just happen to have the same face
as the girl they keep mistaking for me
i know so many people through people
indirectly through varying degrees
and some reach such great distances
that even i haven't heard of them
but they somehow still know me
or at least the girl with that face
that they have heard so much about
is it possible the truth is that i only exist
in other people's minds and tongues
because once it's gone through the grape vine
it doesn't really matter what i've actually said and done
and the only character i'm left with
is playing the part of that one girl everyone seems to know
many people can say they've met me
or seen me a few times walking by
but the sad part is few can say they really know me
i can't even say that i can
without admitting that might just be a lie
that i tell myself in hopes to be
a little more dimensional and interesting
with all the great expectations
that i like to build up in my head
i'd like to stand on the edge of a canyon
and scream into the open space below
so that it might prove i'm not a figment of imagination
if i can sit and listen to the echoes
of that one girl everyone seems to recognize
who talks to herself at night

i am so not stepford
they want me to be perfect
good posture and a plastic smile
haven't you heard conformity is the newest trend
that will never go out of style
but even if i wanted to
i'm not sure that i'd know where to start
the only perfect thing i posess
is a true and well worn heart
which doesn't seem to count for much these days
so i'm not quite sure if it's even worth it to try
but they say you can find bliss in ignorance
so why can't there be truth somewhere in lies
i have a habit of finding
a silver lining for every cloud to cross my path
the thunderstorms that hail down upon my head
reflect like mercury with each lightning flash
it seems to help a bit
when i'm trying to find my way back home
i got lost along the way somewhere
and it's sad that i can't even remember when
mornings became my enemy
and the silence of late nights became my only friend
it's ironic how actually finding peace
can be so lonely at the same time
my friends all have my back
and they all know that i have theirs
but with each silly line i write every other night
i sometimes wish i didn't have to care
about every little thing as much as i always do
i am restless for the kind of sleep that i will never find
true comfort counts for everything
when too often you're lost within your own mind
my eyes are closing now
preparing to chase different dreams
that i do while i'm awake
someday soon i'll have this figured out
and maybe then i can both eat and have my cake
i will never be as perfect as anyone else
but i'm perfecting the art of living in a lie
without actually having to tell any to anyone except myself

luck
he was an older gentleman
with white hair and lines in his face
looking pale and bewildered outside the doorway to the store
as often is the case
but i smiled and said hello anyways
he was wearing a straw hat
covered in shiney metal pins
all of them brightly colored
and stamped with a place he had once been
or at least i assummed that's how he had come by them anyways
he barely said a word to me
but took a few steps closer
he put a hand inside his pocket
and tumbling out came four leaf clovers
all pressed in little bits of plastic
he must've been collecting them for years
and in my mind i could see him saving them
to give to ones that he held dear
and i smiled knowing that the luck i had that day
didn't come from that simple little leaf
but from the random kindness from a stranger
who's memory i'll always keep
luck is meeting people for brief moments
that will somehow manage to impact the rest of your outlook on life anyways

eventually
just for once
i'd like to wake up lost
in someone else's thoughts
instead of just my own
where i concoct vivid fairy tales
stemmed from spending too many nights alone
one day i'll collect all these papers
full of words still bleeding ink
and travel back in time as i try to recall
the moments in between the missing links
the names are slowly slipping from my mind
but the memories tied to them
are still hiding in me somewhere
maybe someday i'll learn from all of this
and maybe someday i won't mind that no one cares

restless
won't someone sing me back to sleep
these nightmares are getting the best of me once more
they're slowly making their way into my reality
and lurking just beyond my door
i'm in need of a lullaby
a few soothing words barely audible
just enough to get me back to the dreams
that i long for when i'm still awake
it seems i keep forgetting them
every time i open my eyes
half the time i'm not sure these days
if these are real tears that i cry
or just another illusion
playing tricks on me while i'm still not quite awake
i'm sick of being restless
for something more than what i've got
but i'm aching for everything else but this
i can't untie my stomach from these knots
i wish i could express myself
the way i used to so easily
i'm out of practice
and always out of time
i'm too tired mentally
i have the lyrics all in my head
but i'm still searching for the melody
that might bring me peace tonight

what are you waiting for
the silence is already filling up my ears
a few certain obvious and predictable words
can't do very much more damage here
at least that's what i keep telling myself
anyways
the longer it seems to drag on
the nothing hurts my ears
the silence rings so loud
and there is no escape when it surrounds you
bleeding out your worst fears
with the lack of sound
sew me up and i will heal
i'll be stronger than before
hurry back with the thread and needle
pouring out my guts so much lately
is starting to leave a stain on the floor

deja-vu all over again
let's be overly optimistic for just a second
and hope that i won't remember any dreams i might have tonight
tossing and turning and constantly yearning
for everything that i used to believe was within my sight
i used to think life was just a puzzle
and if i stared at it long enough it would just fall into place
but suddenly i'm beginning to wonder
if i am just the wrong piece for this certain space
goals are shifting
dreams are fading
and only more questions seem to arise
there aren't enough stars to carry all of my wishes
in these early morning skies
distract me from this longing to be something that i'm not
and i'll promise to be everything
except your one last sure shot
i was never cut out to be a fall back girl
even though i'm always catching people anyways
i don't want to hear what they think i want to
i just want things to be okay
wake me up when i won't have to run away

just your typical poetic ramblings
there was no storm tonight
even though i drove home through dark clouds
with lightning filling up the sky
and i was slightly disappointed
that i wouldn't be able to fall asleep
to the wind blowing
and the distant rumbling of thunder
right outside of my broken window
i feel like i've aged a hundred years inside
but my face has yet to catch up with me
and i might be just part of the audience
sitting back in a darkened theater
and watching the movie that's telling my life story
all the while never even realizing
that this is really about me
i don't want to take responsibility
but i must if i am to go on
i wish i didn't have to choose
between reality and my dreams and wants
i need to let go
i need to be strong
i need to grow up
i need to move on
but i haven't quite figured out
how to do that just yet
the air smells like wildflowers
and it should make me think of summer
but all it does is remind me
of funerals i don't quite remember
except for the overpowering scent
of memories and aching hearts
won't someone sing me a lullaby
rock me back to sleep
so i can escape my need to dream away
my entire time spent being awake

i repeat myself like i repeat that one song that reminds me of you
i'm so sick
not the physical kind of way
with fevers and chills
but the kind that makes your insides ache
for relief that will never come
in the form of tonics or prescriptions
i'm hanging by a noose of heartstrings
that's always there to catch me
every single time i fall again
what i would give to just be free
but how i still long for that security
i feel every time i get tangled up in them once more
i give out sound advice to friends
that's logical and true
but i can't seem to take it from myself
even when it's what i really need to do
i'll chalk it all up to letting it be
going with the flow
making more mistakes
in hopes to learn and let go
but we all know i say this every single time
so let's pretend i'm not just
repeating myself once more

this is what emo bullshit is meant to be
i wish i could help make your troubles go away
but the truth is that i don't even know how to deal with my own
we're stuck in the same boat
it's you and me, kid
both head over heels
and we both should've known
yeah, we both should've known
better
by
now
it will never get easier
when we live like this
but you know
we'll just keep doing it, anyways
because we are the last of our kind
the truly hopeless romantics
and we're blind to all the signs
and we'll always follow our hearts and not our heads
you know this is how it's going to be until the end
just you and me
the best damn emo bullshit making best friends
the world will ever see
fucking up our lives
and writing lovely depressing poetry
just to say we've been there and done that
all for a little thing called
love

there is truth at the bottom of the bottle
but some of it is best left unsaid
when there are a million things i want to tell you
but i can't get the words flowing past my lips from inside my head
take another sip
because you won't remember this tomorrow
this is why we drink anyways
to drown in something else besides our sorrows
raise your glasses to forgetting
and i'll try to remember to stop caring
about why this really mattered anyways

the lack thereof i still get fooled by
there are times i hate to love you
and there are times i love to hate you
but we all know both are just four letter lies anyways
no matter which way you look at it
the way we're living is going to suck us dry
no matter how much we'd like for all those others
we're reaching out for just to stay
i know that you're leaving
and that you were probably never really there
as much as i had hoped for at the start
but am i really that naive
and pathetic to still believe
that someday you'll be jealous of
that other someone that will finally want to keep my heart
this goes out to all the ex's
that turned out to only have (zer)o's
hiding beneath the skin inside their chests
soon i'll find another one
to build up to be more than they're worth
cause darling
we all know that's what i do best
you are no longer a person
because you've been buildt up of so many names
that i can't even remember
which one of you this started out about
so until the next time
i'm willing to let one of you in
please have the decency to keep away from
this heart that always seems to be ripped out

predictions
she told me one day
"i can see you two getting together
then getting torn apart
before finally realizing in the end
that you were meant to be with each other
and you'll get married
and have lots of kids
and live happily ever after"
and i laughed at first when she told me that
but only because
i can't allow myself to get my hopes up
on something as silly as
all the stupid dreams i keep having about you
that always leave me questioning
everything i thought i already knew

i'm my own best surgeon
i'm opening up my chest again
spreading the space between my ribs
just to give you better access to my heart
which i would willingly let you steal
too bad i'm never sure
if you'd really care to take it anyways
so please forgive me for bearing my insides so often
though we all should be used to it by now
i'll do my best not to let my emotions stain the carpet
if you promise not to make me laugh too loud

i've always been overly optimistic, especially when it comes to you
it's getting to be that time again
where i want to give up on you once more
but i know i can't
because i am still hoping
that this time you won't let me down
like you have all those times before
i'm still waiting for that phone call
i'm still waiting for another excuse
i'm still waiting to hear you say
that you're sorry again
and i can't stand that i can hate so much you do
but at the same time i still can't seem to ever hate you
even though you probably deserve it
with everything you've put our so called friendship through
i hate goodbyes
so stop giving me reasons to want to say them

sometimes i wish the rain would wash me away
and all the color would bleed from my body
until i was more transparent and invisible than i already am
just so i would have an excuse to paint myself a new personality
one that was stronger and more confident
one that didn't care about finding all the answers
to the questions i still don't know how to ask
and then i could pretend to be perfect
or something like that

so maybe i like being emo sometimes, no one should be suprised there
i won't lie
i like the attention
i like thinking that
i'm the only one in your thoughts
even if it's not the truth
and i'd go through every heartbreak
all over again
if it meant that the pieces
would be picked up by you
i'd keep pretending that everything is okay
and i'm not really thinking of everything or anyone else
it's not my fault that my mind tends to wander
it's only self-defense
so i won't start thinking of you and me
as and "us"
because even i know that
i'm not that great of a liar
to pull that one off for very long